Allowing God to guide me

This is a long one, but I feel it’s something I can share to those who may have had experienced similar situations. I grew up in a household where my dad was a Christian, mother was Catholic, and (the one who imprinted me the most) my grandmother (my dad’s mother), who was an Evangelical Christian. Now, I grew up with the prayers, with the Bible stories, gone to churches, had communion, and so on, but since my childhood I had battled with hurt and anger. A lot was put into those emotions due to home and school life. That life wasn’t perfect; not in the least. I can’t go into the details because there are so many of them that contributed to my later decisions. By the time I was fourteen, I lost my grandmother, whom I had adored so much, to a vehicle accident. Before that, my parents were going through a marriage strain and eventually divorcing. So, things were devastating. Things got confusing.

After that, I was committing so many sins - even though I knew of God and knew what I was doing. I had adulterated, thieved, lied, and so much more by the time I was sixteen. And nobody knew. I was so good at pretending to be a good girl. I eventually lost friends. I already wasn’t close to many of my relatives. I was quiet, read my books, tried fitting in at school (eventually graduated as Valedictorian BUT did so with hard work and effort). Many people saw me as a good daughter and a good student. However, no one saw my mistakes, or my pain. Fast forwarding, I eventually became pregnant at 19. I wasn’t married but I was both nervous, fearful, and happy I was going to be a mom. But, due to circumstances and certain people who left me feeling alone and abandoned, I went for an abortion. That broke me and my faith with God. That abortion led me straight down to seeing strange men, to heavy lies, to revenge, etc. I was mentally and spirtually gone.

Eventually, I married, joined the military, and had another pregnancy. So many things happened within my pregnancy it eventually led me to post-partum depression. I felt suicidal and was ready after a few months of giving birth to my child. No one at my job, or in my family, ever noticed my condition when inside I was screaming from a dark hole for someone to save me. Eventually, someone noticed and I sought for help. It worked for a bit until my deployment, when my baby was only a year old. Deployment didn’t make things better. Now, I am sorry how long this story is, yet I’m getting there. These were the events that lead me to my salvation.

To make this quick, my marriage ended during that time on deployment. I won’t get into the details, but I wanted some things to end. Then again, I regretted divorce. Because of divorce, I was taken advantage of by a coworker and was raped while I was drunk during a party with “friends” or “colleagues” whom I thought I could trust. I began to blame myself for everything and depression came back. I began seeing things, hearing things, even sleep paralysis that plagued me with visions of demons. But each time I called out “Jesus.” It was weird for me seeing how I was such a sinful person. During my divorce, I was dating someone, who was a believer in God. Something about him made me begin to change because his kindness and warm heart made me realize that there was someone who really did care about me. It was short-lived, but I’ll never forget my promise to him; the promise was to never hurt someone ever again like I did him. Again, I won’t go into the details. Trying not to let this go too long.

I remarried back into my first marriage and I promised to begin making things better and get back with God. I still struggled with sin and knew I had to constantly battle all of my past sins. They haunted me, taunted me, tempted me, and my sins kept reminding me of the person I was and tried to get me to believe I would never change. I realized I had to let God guide me. I had to carry my cross (and still am). After the military, we moved to a place that had a wonderful church where I would soon be baptized. I had been baptized maybe three times before this baptizing, but this one I had my heart set in changing and allowing God to fulfill both my heart and soul.

Just to add on, I am presently still battling my demons but I am winning. I understand God better now, and I understand Jesus a lot more as well. These past three years, I had lost an aunt to suicide, and both my parents to a vehicle accident caused by a wrong way driver. The devil tries to knock me down by messing with my mental health, by trying to get me back into depression. I won’t allow it. It hurts. It’s suffering, but my God, my Jesus, matters more to me more than anything.

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Only a God whose Ways are beyond understanding could give you the conviction to continue and the courage to share your journey so far. Thank you.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable His judgments,
and His paths beyond tracing out!
Romans 11:33

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@SuelynnP,

So happy you are here with us now. :heart:

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I thank you @SuelynnP for the dedication to find your journey back to God. Your story moving, life has been hard and I’m thankful you were guided through by the Lord.

Keep your head up, faith strong and Oscar Mike to the goal with joy in that heart of yours! Have a blessed day/night/tomorrow!

Although our details aren’t the same, I recognize your journey through my own. I am currently focused on James 1:2-7 and Philippians 4:4. The enemy can cannot prevail against unwavering faith and joy and thanksgiving for the stumbling blocks he throws our way! I pray God blesses the rest of your journey. :hugs:

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