Is it warfare or real?

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Eh all o/

I think I need prayer.

Ever since my Mama passed January 2020 I haven’t been the same. I’m not sure if it’s Spiritual warfare or if it’s simply the grief combined with all of today’s world garbage that is being spewed all over social media; either way I need prayer.

I’m, not gonna go on about my Mama BUT I know something inside of me is either broken or something. I don’t want to use a lot of words but we’ll see how I do.

MAN SPEAK:
Mama passed. Massive massive seizure. Not okay. Feel like a murderer re: Comfort care. Add Event 201 & Agenda 2020 & 2030. Keep on slow boil for 21 months. Mouse NOT OKAY. Please pray.

Ladies Speak:
As ya know my Mama of a tender 76 years young passed. Grandma went home at 78. Mouse age nearly 59, I got time.
Mama had been telling me a few weeks before hand that she was tired all the time & in pain and just wanted to go Home now. (Remember this)
Mama had been taken to the lue and then the attending got called away leaving Mama alone. Now Mama hadn’t used the lue alone in some years so for her to be left unattended was a BAD thing. Mama and I are alike in our “independence” so when she was done went back to the bed without an attending, a walker or any other assistance. That’s when she slipped hit her right upper arm on the bed and broke it. I know this because she called me to tell me.
My heartbreaking CHOICE: I knew how much Mama was hurting and how long they had been “looking for the problem” and at the time I thought I was making a compassionate choice. I mean after all who wants to see anyone they love suffering, right? So as a family we CHOSE to give Mama comfort care. For some reason I was fine with it until about 8-9 months ago then BAM out of no where I get hit with such guilt & regret… you don’t even know & I can’t tell it accurately. :sob:

I haven’t slept properly in over a month, having major seizure issues, left the city & relocated to the country & feel like I’m running away or something …

I don’t know what I really need all I know is that I don’t know how to live anymore. All I do is pray, read my Bible, most recently gone for short walks in the bush.

Yesterday I popped a gasket.
Here in Manitoba Canada it’s legal large game hunting season. So it’s expected that I’ll hear some gunfire, right? right. HOWEVER, it is very rude to fire off a 30 odd 6 at the CORNER of someone’s property at DUSK. I went outside and started yelling so loud I got hoarse.
I’m typically one of the most happy go lucky cheery people going. Not so since January 2020, more accurately since March 2020. That first lockdown and then the restrictions and there went our traditional “family” manner of dealing with grief. We were NOT permitted to be together to grieve. It feels as if I’ve been going slowly mad ever since. Then there enters the question, Is it truly that I am going mad when I spend all time with our Father in Heaven, or am I just so consumed by the grief and world events? You’re guess is as good as mine. Please pray for me. The rest of my family “appears” to have moved on, Dad is trying to but they say they are worried about me. I’m concerned they’ll label me a fruity loop and send in those nice young men in their clean white coats with the self hugger jackets.
I know we are in the end days and that stuff like this gets amplified with the added spiritual attacks, … all I know is I need you to please pray for me. In all honesty I don’t know how much more I can take before I “loose my touque” as we say here in Canada Eh.

I was so scared by that gunshot last evening that I was ready to declare open season on hunters & we all know that’s not the correct response for any human being to have towards another. Please pray for me. I need GOD HELP.

Thanks for reading and for praying for me.
I promise I’m not nuts yet, but I know that without prayer I will be.

Mouse of Jesus

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I would like to thank everyone who is and has been praying for me. Between your prayers, JD’s message from Hebrews 12:1-3 yesterday AND a chat with my Dad last evening, not to mention my own prayers (as I do not ask others to pray without praying myself also) It seems that the beginnings of improvement are occurring. A strange few statements between my Dad & I had me thinking; Am I just having that much trouble letting go of my Mama? Dad heard my ponderings and replied with, “That very well may be the case.” so please keep the prayer coming. God richly bless you all for your prayers.

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praying for you Marianne. hard for me to define exactly what you’re going through. but the fact that you feel a little better now, makes me glad. I too have regrets as to how I handled old loved ones in their last days. I thought I was doing the best I could but then still was able to think of better alternatives after it was far too late. I still cry to God and apologize time to time, knowing He has already forgiven me, but this is probably part of the grief process. well it teaches us what to do better next time something like this happens. make your mom proud and learn from this for your dear dad that’s still here. I looked up comfort care to understand it, but it’s all very… discreet id say, how it’s explained , so I’m not sure what is the issue with it. was she given morphine or something? let’s talk this out and see if we can gain some light on it all. God bless

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Awww Marianne, my heart goes out to you, your message brought me to tears … which led to me praying that our father In heaven will give you all that you need right now.
I’m not surprised you are feeling like you are … with everything you have been through… it’s a lot and life here where you can literally taste the evil is extremely hard for us all to bear at times ! Anything extra wipes us out … thank God we have him at these times and eachother on here x

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They gave her some sort of morphine “cocktail” to take away her pain BUT DID NOT have any IV for her to get nourishment whatsoever. Basically she was doped up and made to starve to death.

Now along with a myraid of other symptoms Mama also had Congestive Heart. She wasn’t suppose to have any babies until after she was 21 so that her heart had a chance to heal. My birth father had other ideas and she had me by the time she was 18 so her heart was not permitted to heal. When I was about 23-25 Mama went into the hospital to have emergency heart valve replacement surgery.
Mama went in with pain complaints and was very unwell. About a week before she died she told us, as a family, that she felt like they were killing her. In hindsight I wish I’d asked her what she meant but I was so caught up in my own little worldly issues that I didn’t hear her cry. Now with everything I have learned since COVID happened I totally understand what she was saying. They were always coming in and injecting her with something or another - I’ll never trust another doctor again as long as I live. This is being honest here. My Great grandfather was a doctor and politician who did wonderful things for Canada during his years. My Grandmother (Mama’s Mama) was a “field nurse”, she helped with the soldiers who came back from the front lines. Mama & I were both Special Care Aides. Mama was Palliative care & I was pre-palliative care.

Between the truth telling MD’s, JD, Billy Crone & several others (and my own side research) I have learned just how deep the deception has gone & for how long.

I feel like I helped them kill her. Can we just say that as a hint of a description of the way I’ve been doing since March of 2020?

There’s more to say but I can’t hold back my tears anymore.
I’ve been so “controlled” with my reactions and responses to literally everything that has been going on in the world lately that I have stifled my true emotions and grieving … I have no words. What I can tell you is that I have lost the ability to be more polite that you have all seen here over the past year or so. Anger and rage have been the response to anyone or anything that is not TRUTH. My filter is completely gone now and I “appear” to be radiating the polar opposite of LOVE to others. God forgive me.

I use to love on everyone who crossed my path. I use to enjoy a good banter session with Biblical studies and Spiritual Formation aspects of life. Now? Nothing. Just the look of, “I pity you for not believing the TRUTH because you’re gonna burn with the rest of the liars.” Anyone else see the drastic change in me?

You might be asking, “Why did it take you so long to come to this point of understanding how you are really doing?” in a word, COVID. Need I say more? COVID + Canada +grief = Marianne out of control & out of LOVE. :sob:

Everyone who knew me back in the day KNOWS I’m not okay.

Now you remember I said that Saturday at dusk someone cooked off a 30 odd 6? Well, there’s a backstory to that. It’s a hard memory to share & I don’t typically tell anyone outside of family what it is so if you want me to share that you have to ask me to. YOU WILL NEED TISSUES! I was 4 when it happened.

I gave DH the best analogy I could this morning. Picture if you will a beautiful stained glass artwork filled with love and joy & happiness and all things beautiful and God-loving. Now see that same stained glass artwork smashed to smithereens on the floor. That’s ME. Then I asked him, “How do you fix this if not by separating all the pieces and attempting to put them back together. Then one needs to HEAT the glass so that it will melt back together. It’s never going to be the same, it can’t ever be the same. That is your wife. I’m sorry I’m so broken.”
Currently that smashed heap is still unsorted. GOD FORGIVE ME.

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Thank you Becca

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