O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
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My name is Marianne and I’m a recovering alcoholic/addict who loves Jesus more than ever before.
Before I begin, go get your favorite beverage, a box of tissues or a roll of tp. Just a heads up. You’re gonna need it. I do as I write this.
I’m not even suppose to be here. No I mean it. I was suppose to die in a car accident 3 months before I was born. Doctor told my Mama to give up because she was gonna lose me. You never told Mama no unless you wanted a backhand. lol
As a passenger, I have survived more than 25 vehicle incident encounters, most drunk a few sober, but none high.
I gave my life to Jesus back in 1970 and have always “assumed” that my relationship with Him was solid & secure & I was all golden for Heaven. Never take your spiritual life forgranted.
In 1983 I got married to a guy I thought I would be with for the rest of my life, but God had other plans. In June 1983 We had confirmation that I was with child for the first time. we did THREE home pregnancy tests BEFORE I ever went to the doctor. Then the doctor confirmed it and I announced to my then husband, “We’re having a boy & his name is BobbyRay.” That was the end of it. We never talked about it after that. He just gave me a hug and said, “Whatever you say my beautiful mommy to be.” In June went to the bar to tell our “friends” that I was going to have a baby and that meant no more spiked drinks for me. I was drinking tomato juice & Shirley Temple’s. At least until someone decided it was a great idea to spike my drink. I got drunk without planning it. When I realized what had happened I got livid and started a bar fight because I was mad that someone had been trying to hurt my unborn son. I started a brawl fight that paled to some of the biker fights I’ve been around. We totally trashed the Westminister Hotel in Winnipeg. I had taken on one of the biggest meansest & sorry to say, uglies bikers I could find. He had enough of it & just tossed me aside. as he did I bounced off the wall onto a pool table & then onto the floor. Baby & I were still fine at this point BUT husband was a different story. He went… what we use to call “going Indian on your —”
(I’m oldschool & don’t know the politically correct way to say some of these things. I’m sorry. I do not say these things to offend. If there is a more better way to say these things that would be wonderful to know.)
The big guy he was fighting got tossed and he followed my EXACT path of least resistance. when husband saw that biker had landed on me & that I was crying well…you husband’s out there you have an idea what happened next. it’s that Daddy Bear syndrome that comes out. “Get off my wife!!” was all I heard. I passed out for a second & then went to the ladies room & I have no idea how I did that. Adrenaline is my guess. I knew by now that my son was gone. I walked to the hospital - I’m a Wiebe after all. “Built like tractor, strong like bull”, yeah bull! More like Stubborn like mule!
When I hurt in anyway, emotionally or physically - I’m a VERY independent person and tend to push away any help. “Leave me alone. Don’t touch me.” thing. This is not always a good thing, especially when you just lost a baby & your emotions are off the charts. For years I felt like I had murdered my own son and that I had no right to live, let alone have God’s forgiveness or mercy. I drank hard & partied harder. I was an exotic dancer bringing 4K a month in those days (1983-1990), not that I have anything now to show for that time except lots of tears. And since the doctors had told me I’d never have kids & I knew he wanted them Somehow it all got divorced and finished. To this day those details are very drunk-fussy.
Then one day in 1990 a friend and her husband set me up with my third husband - we’ll get back to #2 later.
Husband #3 (We’ll call him Tanker); He was a satanist and a practicing warlock & I was completely clueless as to what any of that meant. SO we got high together, he got me off the stage and into small town Saskatchewan called Carrot River. I meant his family who had by now all come to know Jesus and serve HIM very diligently. I watched the Jesus movie and gave my life back to Christ. When I was asked why all I could say was, “It just made sense. besides you can’t run from the Truth forever, can you?” That was 1991. Tanker & I got married a few months later, after he came to Christ and destroyed ALL his satanic stuff that we had brought from up north in Manitoba. We went to Saskatoon & connected with some very incredible Christian Bikers, became members of ICBA (International Christian Bikers Association) we even had patches and everything. Kinda felt like a real “outlaw biker” at that point LOL Outlaws for Jesus with "Riding for the SON"Stickers on the Harley and everything. lol I did 2 years of upgrading to get my 12 & then 3 years of Bible school. It was a prayer request from when I was between 14-16. God is faithful & HE DOES answer prayer, sometimes you just gotta be patient for the answers.
Life had been going along pretty good for a while, I finished Bible school & we bought a house in the city & joined the biker street church we helped create. But how quickly pride and envy raise their ugly heads. Soon the church closed after only 2 years. Jezebel crept in unnoticed because we had our guard down and our armor OFF. Of course we didn’t know that at the time. Hindsight is all 20/20 - (wow that kinda takes on a whole new meaning to that phrase doesn’t it?)
But I had known that something was off for several years. Tanker’s affection & attention had tanked. He was a different person after we bought that house. It suddenly became all about the mortgage and the bills and then the weekend’s at his “assistant’s home to work on her computer” - don’t blame him, we are all weak in at least one area of our lives. I remember reading somewhere in the Bible this past year that when the Jezebel spirit is let into the church by even 1 door, it will not only take out the church but will destroy every relationship within that church. And you know what? It did! Every single relationship in that church ended in one way or another within 1 year. I’m very serious. After the church closed, our chapter of ICBA started to fall apart, families were getting divorced and then some people suddenly got sick and died. It happened so fast. That’s part of why I know how close we are to the end. I can see all the signs, plus a few I’m not allowed to talk about just yet. Lord will soon though.
I never did tell Tanker that I was never going to have children. We had even talked invetro, now I’m grateful we didn’t. We tried to adopt but that fell through because well… turns out Mouse is too much like a child herself wot be a parent. When you’re trying to bond with a child you have become like a child. Otherwise the child will only ever see you as authoritarian, not friend. The key when adopting kids is to meet them where THEY are not, NOT where YOU want them to be. How do I know? I are one. I am a child of adoption & not just in a Heavenly sense either. I was adopted at age 13 by my Daddy! And because of that I could be 1002 and still call that man my Daddy! Why? I felt like he saved our family from a life of tyranny and harsh abuse. My Daddy is kinda sort kinda like a miniature version of what I perceive from the Word that Jesus will be like. Quiet, kind, gentle, patient, contemplative prior to articulation, passionate, zealous for His own. That’s my Jesus.
He did n’t just show up one day and announce he was our Dad now. He wooed us, … he taught us. he even had to discipline us a few times. One time we had this little chat, “Daddy? Why do you spank me if it hurts you so much?” “So that you’ll learn not to do that anymore because it’s not good for you and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” It’s amazing how fast I started to obey them after that chat. Oh sure I still fought with my baby Sis, but hey… like what do you want me to say here? We’re siblings & if Jacob & Esau were fighting inside the womb, why do we expect it different on the outside? just saying. lol Kids gonna fight. You that brings me to thought. You know how whenever we have heard about the Middle East being in a state of unrest that we kinda got to the point of saying, “What else is new, those brother’s will be fighting til Jesus comes.” We have the internet now and we have AI alive and well orchestrating our algorithms - oh wait that’s for another time. Today this post, my Testimony. First time I’ve actually written it out since Bible school missions trip prep. 1998.
Okay where was I , Right. Adoption. Well MJ was a very beautiful 2 year old girl with mild down syndrome and needed some stability in her life. We thought we could provide that since I was going to fulfill my childhood dream of being a housewife and a mother. I was going to stay home and take care of things and he was going to provide for us. Perfectly Biblical, perfectly wonderful BUT “Many are the plans of a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’S will which will prevail.” (someone knows that address.) But when everything fell through… we BOTH broke. He blamed me. I blamed the foster parents, it was awful. and very wrong and YET very right all at the same time. Oh we moved to the city, made some friends with our neighbors, found out I was deathly allergic to vaccinations. That was when my walk-in clinic doctor told me that I was only to take a shot again if I wanted to die. He had to crash-cart me back. This was one of those things I didn’t bat an eyelash about because I despise needles at the best of times so one less thing I had to do. Now it’s coming down to that choice in our lives isn’t it? Our life for theirs?
I told Tanker about 1 baby we lost in the early 90’s before Bible school, but not the other 5. I mean really, why break the man’s heart repeatedly, just why? But 2020 changed all sorts of things didn’t it? It started with my sister and I sitting in a hospital room wondering if our Mama was ever gonna walk out again, or not. January 12, 2020 the Lord took Mama home! I’m sad and grateful all at the same time. See we had to make that tough choice no one should have to make. We don’t talk about it, but we all feel the same way. We all feel like we killed her ourselves. We just didn’t want her to hurt no more, you know. I mean you can only handle watching someone hurting for so long. When the doctors can’t fix the problem and your own faith is in the outhouse and the thought of praying for a miracle not even registering, what do you do?
I thought I could handle anything after I found my roommate’s sister after she completed suicide, but nothing…absolutely NOTHING prepares you for the loss of the glue that holds your family together. When Mama is gone nothing makes sense anymore. It’s like crusty old glue on an old book. It’s fragile and just disintegrates.
I know many of you have been reading my posts over the past few months and maybe even year now. You know my faith is strong. My flesh is very weak. My heart breaks more often and much more easily now. See Mama was buried on January 21, 2020. January 22, 2020 COVID hit! I’m not okay.
You know how Paul & them say that “to live is Christ & to die is gain”? Well, for me right now living is like a death. I feel like I’m going through my own personal hell on Earth. I’ve made my peace with God. “Though He slay me, yet will I serve HIM”
In the midst of all this brokenness somewhere God found the soft spot in my heart where He could talk to me & I would actually be able to hear Him, I mean really hear HIM for the first time since I was a little girl. You know, there’s stories in my family about how I use to throw hissy fits whenever someone wanted to leave and it wasn’t safe for them to do so? Cool eh. That was until it freaked out the ladies at the church my very old-school Mennonites took me. Then they insisted on some kinds of weird demon possession thing - it’s still not something I understand. I guess maybe they forgot that God used Miriam & Deborah & Ba’alam’s donkey, I don’t know. All I know is that after Mama went to be with Jesus & my sister HS, it appears to have returned. Oh don’t kid yourself, I will never profess myself a prophet. I don’t want the RESPONSIBILITY or the ACCOUNTABILITY. Nope, not me. No way Hosea. I ain’t doing it…but then there’s that donkey…right? sigh
SO I write stuff down now and sometime IF after much prayer and fasting I feel led to share, I do. But no sooner.
What’s really weird is some of the stuff that is being revealed to me is happening like in a 3-6 month window. Not always 100% exact, but mighty close. Even my Dad has noticed it. We’ll be talking about something and then he’ll say something like “Didn’t you tell me about this — long ago?” and that will take over the call. But there’s good in all this.
I still belong to Jesus, even more now that ever before. I’m not scared anymore, Nervous? You bet your boots I am! If God is taking me down the path I think HE is , it’s gonna get mighty lonely and mighty intense for me over the next little while & it may even cost me my life. But Jesus is worth that price, isn’t HE? He paid it for me, why can’t I return the favor? My life may not have been much of a witness for Jesus, but my death can be. Now, I’m not gonna go looking for it, so don’t go all silly on me now. To live is to show Christ, even though my heart dies daily. To die is to gain the joy of being in Glory with our Lord. To me it’s a win - win situation. They can lock me up in 6x6 box and I’ll never be alone again.
How can I say this? If we’re going to live for the One Who laid down His life for us, shouldn’t we also be willing to lay down our lives for HIM if that is required of us?
Now, you may be saying Marianne, I got kids or a family or whatever, I gotta care for them don’t I? Yep, you have to be a good steward of all that God has made you steward of. But, do they know Jesus? Do they accept and understand that you may all need to lay your lives down for the Lord even as our forefathers did? Look, I know harpazo is a real thing and that’s gonna happen, but guys we gotta be real honest with ourselves about what the Word says. What did John say? “He will be given power and authority over the saints to pursue them and overtake them” (Mouse paraphrase). Even Jesus said that some of us would go to prison or even be killed for our faith in Him during these times. We need to be awake to that sobering fact. This is no time to put our heads in the sand and pretend everything is going to go back to the way it once was. This is almost over for us though. Just hang in there. When you hanging off the side of Ghost Mountain Alberta by a tree root and you scream “GOD HELP ME” God answers. One more time when I was destined for death. (2005)
I’m sorry you guys, I’m trying to say something and it’s all coming out haywire. You wanna pray for me personally about something, pray I can remember how to talk to people again. lol
Guys, this is the time of cleansing of the church. The church is being sifted or whinnoed, if you will. If you’re really real with yourself and Jesus, you’ll get through this. But it means doing really hard work in a VERY short window of time. We are almost there. I feel it inside. My spirit has been more …alive… as we get closer. You know what I’m talking about. I know you do.
I’ll come back another time and add to this testimony. There’s so much to share & so little time to do it.
If I had to sum up my life, I think I’d have to use my sister’s idea for a title for my life story… And lived to tell about it.