My whole life I was raised to believe it is possible to lose ones salvation. I realize many if not all on this forum don’t believe that. Even Pastor JD seems to not believe that. I have been struggling with that concept. Honestly I really don’t know what to believe on that particular subject anymore.
What I do know though is I have been struggling as of late. Still praying, still reading scripture regularly like many others. However it feels like lately my flesh nature is trying to rear it’s ugly head and honestly I’m tired of fighting it. Example would be a couple co-workers I have been dealing with. The only way I can honestly describe them is to say they are snakes. I keep catching myself thinking about how I want to respond to them and verbalize what I think of them. But that would be wrong. To my knowledge I have done nothing to deserve the way I am being treated. I have done all I can do to work with them peacefully. But there is this side of me that really wants to lash out.
The Bible speaks of what is in a man’s heart is where evil words, thoughts and actions come from to my understanding of it. Same with good words, thoughts and actions. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, so where are all these evil desires and thoughts coming from? My Heart? What’s that say about me as a Christian? To seek revenge on those who have wronged me is sin, I don’t want to feel this way. I hate that I’m even thinking about this stuff. For example I walked by the both of them today, their backs were turned to me and I had this urge to grab them both by the hair and knock their heads together.
Obviously I didn’t do it, but seriously, what is wrong with me? That behavior would be completely out of character for me. I have never really been an aggressive person, heck I’m not even a fan of confrontation. I don’t hate these people, I pray regularly that God will help me to forgive those who treat me wrong, I try to pray for them, it’s hard but I do make the effort. I don’t want to harbor bitterness or unforgiveness towards anyone.
I have been sick for a couple weeks, had to get tested for covid, found out I don’t have covid, but I do have a case of bronchitis which I have never had before in my life. I don’t normally get sick, God blessed me with a strong immune system, so I have been very healthy as a rule the majority of my life. So maybe in my weakend state the enemy is seizing an opportunity and using people to bring me down further? I don’t know…
One thing for sure though, the years of being taught it’s possible to lose ones salvation, combined with the trouble I have been dealing with. Then fighting my flesh on a daily basis is wearing me thin. In the back of my mind I think about what scripture says about what is in a man’s heart.
We are so close to the end, I don’t want to be found as an unfaithful servant, I don’t want to be found asleep at the Lords return. I feel this fear trying to get it’s claws in the back of my mind that I may miss out on the rapture due to my own weakness and due to what is apparently in my heart. Could I lose my salvation at the last minute before the Lord returns? Is that even possible?
Even these thoughts seem wrong, doesn’t seem possible because of His grace. Yet these are the thoughts I am having. I’m tired of fighting this flesh, I want a pure heart, I want a clean mind. I want the joy of the Lord. Not fear, not bitterness, not thoughts of vengeance. This is my prayer… to be like Christ, to love my neighbor as He does, not to seek vengeance, to forgive regardless of what is done to me, to have perfect peace, to feel joy regardless of what is going on.