What’s wrong with me?

There’s something very painful bothering me, that has for a few years now…but it’s getting worse & almost unbearable. I don’t know if there’s something seriously wrong with me or what, but I can’t seem to find a way out of this….I’m in a constant state of grieving….deep, sentimental grief. It’s so hard to explain. For one, both of my parents are old now; 83 & 79, and I have some sort of anticipatory grief every day…waiting for a painful phone call telling me that one of them is gone…or a phone call telling me I’ve lost my son or daughter…,or even my ex husband of 29 years…still love him…anyway, all my joy has been replaced by sorrow and grief for a very long time…to where I dread waking up each day and feeling this pain. Also, a weird type of loss of life as it used to be, I guess. To me, everything seems like weird carnival when I’m out in public…like very foreign…tattoos, pink, blue and purple hair…women holding women’s hands and men with men everywhere…the vaccinated/ the unvaccinated….just nothing feels right anymore. I know my thinking is off, and something is wrong, but I don’t know how to stop anticipating loss and grief. I have struggled with depression, even when young, but not like this. Please help me figure this out…I’m so tired. I have prayed already, thought maybe God will give you guys some wisdom to share, thanks :pray:

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I understand! life now is hard, please listen to this, DO NOT focus out on the future, it drains your energy

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and too, we dont know what is going to happen so we worry ourselves to peices.
and it takes away from the day we are in.

I stopped listening to the news, I feel like you do a weird carnival, but I tune it out unless the Lord prompts me to pray.

dont know if you fish or not but reel your thoughts in like you would reel in a fishing line.

one day at a time, focus on the Lord not the craziness of the world
May you have peace of mind and of heart, KNOW God is with you.

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Hey Jewel @1jewel,
I’m gonna pray and think on your message and write you more tomorrow. But I feel like you need a response asap, so I’m sending you a note and prayer until I can do more tomorrow. My first instinct is that what you are calling grief is actually fear. And it is a perfectly natural reaction to the upheaval we’ve all been witness to, especially the last few years. :butgod_dark: tells us to trust in Him. He tells us not to be fearful. So we must turn to our Father, lean into His promises, no matter what our natural inclination is.

Perhaps when the dread comes and anxiety threatens you could turn your fears into thanks. Let’s take your grief and worry about your parents. It would look like this: instead of being worried about your parents’ health and safety, out loud thank God for them, for their long life, for their witness…. Thank God for every thing you can think of concerning them. Saying your thanks out loud is key. It’s hard to hear the enemy when you’re speaking to your Father! But if it’s internal (not speaking out loud) then it’s easier for your mind to wander. And if you come to a point where you can’t think of anything else to speak thanks for, repeat those things you can remember, or speak your thanks for other things or people (like Jesus!). Reading scripture out loud could also work if you get stuck.

Jewel, you are a beloved daughter of God Almighty! Put on the armor He has provided. Know that He wants you whole and well. He has provided everything you need, and He will always provide for you! May God bless you and keep you Dear One. May He make His face to shine upon you! May our great God, our loving Abba, look upon you with favor— and bring you peace. In the Name of His only begotten Son Yeshua, our Kinsman-Redeemer. Amen.

Father in Heaven,
Thank You for saving us! Thank You for giving us everything we need, even before we know to ask. Please pour out Your grace upon Your dear daughter Jewel and comfort her. Wrap Your mighty arms around her so she feels You holding her Father, please. Give her Your peace and help Jewel to give her fears and grief to You, and to take up Your yoke and lean into Your promises and love. Thank You Abba, for loving this child of Yours who needs You so much right now. Thank You for what You are doing in Jewel’s life. May the Name of Your Son Yeshua, our Blessed Hope, be lifted high on the earth and in the heavens! Amen.

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Well said @GR . Believe it or not I was confronted, boldly I might add, from the Holy Spirit last evening that I am in the grips of fear. In my prayers for a long time now asking God to purify me and purge out what needs to go out of my life to prepare me to meet Him. Something was still there but I didn’t recognize it. I attributed all the things to something else. But, it’s fear. It permeates our lives in ways we don’t even think of.
The Lord knows fear is like that invasive weed that grows into everything and is so firm in the ground that we can never seem to get rid of it.
Why do we suppose He told us 365 times “Do not fear”?
He will sustain us through everything we face whether large or small. He wants us to lean into Him and let Him lead us through everything.
We have such a glorious future forever with Him soon. Very soon.
Maranatha

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I am in agreement with Georgia Ruth in this prayer.

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We are not of this world.

Maybe you live in a city where there is more “festivities”. If they want to follow the darkness, it’s their choice.

I think (like me) during several years you have been traumatized by others… (the wicked)

Of course, I also make all a cinema of what would happen… but give all this in the hands of God. We know he loves us and knows what is good. We don’t know his plan. Let’s him do what he wants, how he wants… you will be less stressed.

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Thank you all for replying to me. I agree it’s fear…it’s fear of shock and grief. A long time ago, we lost two family members together in a car wreck , that was 1990. Maybe I’m fearful of that kind of pain again, idk. But I honestly feel tormented by this. Maybe Satan has some sort of foot hold over me now? I have pictures in my mind of people I love in coffins, and I am unable to go through the funerals…or remembering every tiny thing I’ve ever thought, when I’ve been irritated with them- knowing I will remember those thoughts if that person dies, and feel horrible guilt….All the while, none of us have any unforgiven thing against each other….so they’re just tormenting thoughts every single day. My son has a motor bike now, and I have moments where I “see” him on the ground, stuck by a car…or left paralyzed…or my daughter’s car hit by someone going through a red light…every time she leaves the house. I really just want to go home to escape my brain. This is a horror movie that doesn’t end. Another strange thing is when I’m out shopping for groceries, or rarely eating out…I feel intense sadness/ nostalgia, remembering being with people I love there, and knowing it will be impossible to ever go there again if they die…I’m even sad that they are not there with me while they’re alive, because it feels like I’ve been left here in this awful world alone, looking at the remanamts of a world gone by…like a ghost town. The best way to describe this sickness in my mind is the movie “Wallie” if anyone remembers it? I’m all sorts of messed up right now. Sorry for sounding so dramatic, but I just want to know what this is. I don’t fell like God heard my cries anymore.

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What I forgot to say, is to be sure that your family members are saved. Share with them “the ticket” for heaven. After, if they unfortunately die, you will know they will be with Jesus. Less stress…

Always give them tips how to be a good driver: attach the seat belt, “be aware”, don’t be distracted by their smartphone when driving or by the music or another passenger, respect priorities, don’t drive over the limit, look the road… tell them you love them and it will be terrible for you if they have accidents…

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:arrow_up_small:This. Sister, you are not alone. We’re saying good-bye to what once was.:revolving_hearts:

I will pray for peace of mind for you, Jewel. There are such beautiful and comforting replies ahead of mine. We are part of a wonderful family of God, here. Remind yourself of that—especially when things bear heavier. Reach out as often as you need!

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Time for the child to enter the conversation.

Gonna be a long one - Grab a beverage and some snacks. Maybe a sandwich.

@1jewel There’s nothing wrong with you, sister. Now scoot over and grab that oar. No, the other one. Yeah, now start rowing with me. See, what you’re feeling I would say is normal in the eyes and perception of a true Follower of Christ. This is a fallen world and those who are lost are not exactly poster children for Christian living. As obvious as that statement is, it’s still going to strike grief in your heart when you see them speak, act, and think as they do.

Regarding your parents, boy do I know how you feel. It’s a worry and a thought that while it concerns us, it’s not of us. Meaning this is something that Satan puts into our mind through his intern demons. Jasper or Raul, maybe (I’m just making names up). It’s promoting within you a sense of dread and pulling away from Jesus. Instead of going to Him and asking for help, we shy away and sulk in our own ideas that cater to the original thought in question.

It’s not “right” for a child to die before the parents and somehow it’s to be accepted that parents are to pass on before the child. Many people in this world would welcome that scenario whereas others of us do not. To give an example, take my dad who died two years ago (almost). I kept hearing a thought in my head for years before that he was going to die and then the rest of my family. I was going to be alone in this world and not know a thing that I needed to. That haunted me for years. Unlike your situation though, I didn’t let it have a strangle hold on me as I had a ton of other things to worry about and that is my excuse for why I have no hair now.

Sister in Christ, let me tell you of the days of high adve…sorry wrong speech–here we are; In order for me to finally come to grips with this and I admit I still get hit with it from time to time; I’ve thought of myself in this huge arena or courtroom with billions of scoffing and mocking spectators throwing stuff at me and humiliating or insulting me. In the center stands a man with the stage lights following his every move. This of course being Satan and he’s calling all his demon cronies to the stage to try their best to break me. There are times it begins to work and then something happens.

You know how you practice a speech you’re about to give someone? You talk aloud (whisper sometimes) that’s what I do with this. I smile and laugh. Not exactly a nice laugh but a laugh. You know how people hate when you’re smiling and laughing and they don’t know why? And they grill you even harder to find out why you’re happy? Sometimes it scares them. That’s how it begins to take shape with me during these times. I smile and laugh and think aloud sometimes, “You’re following a dude who couldn’t even win a rigged competition against a boy from Georgia and had to give him a golden fiddle. Yeah, you’re rolling with a winner.”

Or a thought pops into your head, “If Satan is trying to be above God, how can he be above the Creator of all things when even the space he is wanting to sit in is created by God?” Stuff like that. Then after a little time has passed, you’ve built up some strength and courage to turn and say, “These are not my thoughts and this is not something I need worry about. Lord Jesus rebukes you and leave me alone.” Sing a worship song (make up one if you want) and it’ll drive them nuts to the point they flee from ya.

With regards to your parents; My dad wasn’t truly born again for most of my life. I didn’t know that. He refused to believe Jesus could forgive him for the things he had done in his past. About 6 months before he died, we had a conversation while I drove him to the VA for dialysis. It was at that time, from what my mom accounted back to me hours later that my dad accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior. My dad, while we didn’t say “I love you” a lot to one another, I walked into the kitchen one day afterwards and he was reaching into the cupboard and said, “I love you, Jon.” I responded, “I love you too, Dad.” He was embarrassed as he responded, “Oh, you weren’t supposed to hear that.” My response was well, me and I asked, “There another Jon that you have around I don’t know about?” He laughed and said no and that was that.

I told him often that I loved him and I tell my mom every day I love her. That’s my point I’m making for you. I don’t know or recall any specifics regarding your parents from any past conversations, but regardless, I don’t care if they don’t respond in kind, or if they do – tell them whenever you can that you love them.

That’s ONE thing that demons will use against you later in life. “You didn’t love them enough and you never told them. You should be ashamed.” Yeah, no, sorry. Must be an intern demon with no notes on me. I told them frequently so no grief or guilt there."

Now this goes with your children as well.

With regards to the world around you – I tell you it’s hard to do at times, most times, but walk around with that smile I talked about. Look for the beauty in chaos:

  • Animals playing in the park
  • Baby whom you don’t have that poos on their mom and dad…no bad idea um
    • Baby smiling – yeah let’s go with that.
  • Laughter
  • Birds singing before sunri…on the other hand, some may not like that, so birds singing at sunrise.
  • The sometimes glorious look of the created world God allowed you to witness
  • Chance to make someone’s day brighter by smiling and saying hi to them

It’s not much, but it works wonders for both you and those around you. You are a citizen of Heaven! You’re royalty to the Most High! You’re a beacon of light in a dark world – shine, baby, shine! We are meant to be a walking-talking depiction of why people need Jesus in their lives and to trust in Him and allow Him to be their Lord and Savior – even when we screw up! You have power that people only can dream about.

Sure! Walk into a mall, or a grocery store or gas station or…drive thru? Smile and ask how someone’s doing. When they respond and some even ask how you’re doing, just smile and say, “I’m blessed today that I was able to see you!” or “I’m feeling fantastically blessed today, thank you for asking!”

You are on sensory overload, I think, as most of us have been or are right now. Way too much information overload about dark and gloomy stuff. It affects you after awhile. Get back into the cartoons of old. Watch something comedic, think of all the women Biden is around suddenly shaving their heads…no probably not that far, but y’know…um anything that will make you smile and even chuckle. Some dude running down 42nd street with a surgical glove on his head yelling, “Look at me! I’m a squid!”

I know you stated you’ve dealt with depression most of your life and I get that. While I can’t speak on that, I can understand the mindset is hard to deal with and switching anything like that off or turning it around feels daunting.

Ex’s-well, don’t get me started on ex’s lol. Ex’s are the reason I’m not married or have kids. I think. Pretty sure. We’ll just go with that.

Circling back to the world and how it’s like a weird carnival – I’ve never known of a “normal” carnival before lol. Seriously though, we’re passing through here. It’s like entering Milwaukee in the station wagon with wood paneling and dad tells you to roll up the windows and lock the doors. What seems like 15 minutes later you hear him say, “How did we get into Rochester?!” The news is fearmongering everyone and most people are buying into the hype. Someone comes up yelling at you about
“Did you hear about Russia?!”
and you’re like, “Uh, yeah. strange days we’re leaving in, eh?”
“What are we going to do?!”
“Surrendering is out, hole in the ground is out…eh, guess leave it up to God.”
“What about your money?”
"I don’t have any right now anyway, so doesn’t really affect me?

They walk off with their hands in the air like those inflatable arm waving promotion characters.

As time goes on, things are going to look more and more foreign to you and that’s a good thing as you’re leaving more and more of this world behind to a point - eh, Jesus will fix this after a few years. No biggie.

I’m trying for now, to get the point of don’t sweat anything. You’re a born again believer in Jesus and you have an eternal life to look forward to. I have to remind myself of that a lot as well. It’s not easy sometimes. All the stress and the problems that compile on us from day to day or hour to hour. It sucks! :butgod: has us in the palm of His hand and He’s taking care of all this. Share the Godly joy that you are to share with whom you can and when you can.

Eh, we’ll get to the prayer now as I don’t know how well this has helped if at all.

Loving Heavenly Father

Please bless this child of Yours with a blessing of peace and calm in her heart and mind so as to show the world around her the reason why it is necessary to follow Jesus and have Him in our life right now especially.

Please galvanize her with protection from evil and those not of You. Rebuke the demons who attack her daily with worry and grief. Please raise that shield in relief of her tired arm (just a little) as the fiery darts continue to fall from the sky. Let her know she is linked with CHILDREN of God not just on her own. Linked together are shield upon shield protecting one another.
[image to add encouraging effect]

(We’re better organized though)
Please transform her worry into calm and anxiety into peace
Please transform the grief she feels into rejoicing as I beg of You, Father, please bless her with a renewing of Godly joy in her heart to overflowing and touching any and all she makes contact with in a day. Change her confusion she may have into clarity and trials into victories. Please change her devastation into restoration and fear into courage. Transform her infirmities into strength. Please replenish the Holy Spirit within her and help her to find moments of laughter in her day. Place her in a moment of triumph for the Lord and help her to shine the light within her into a darkening world.

Please guard and protect her words, thoughts, and actions towards herself, and those whom she encounters. Please deliver her to the fulfillment of the purpose You have her on this earth. Bless her with Spiritual wisdom and understanding and an overabundance of discernment. Heal and mend her broken heart through physical, emotional, mental and Spiritual. Help her to see the beauty in calamity to bring a frown upside down on her lips. Shower her with heavenly light and allow her to see those hundred million angels singing praise to You. Place the army of guardian angels around her to take on the battle You have already won for us.

Bless her with a chance to tell those she loves, that she loves them dearly and as many times as it takes. All of this, should it be Your will to do, we praise Your name and we thank you immensely for the blessings and miracles bestowed upon our sister.

We pray this in Jesus’ name
Amen

[EDIT] one last thing - If God didn’t hear your cries anymore - how do you explain the outflow of support from your brethren right now? :wink:

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Jon, you truly have the gift of comfort :blush: thank you for the smiles & sweet prayer :pray:

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Trust me, it’s just a little gas. It’ll be gone before too long :laughing:
Glad I could help ya out.

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I go through ebbs and flows of the same thing that you described in your original post. While I’m not glad at all that you’re experiencing it; the feelings of impending doom and the world as a not so fun carnival Fun House :clown_face: , I have to admit that it makes me understand it as a symptom of we who are in waiting for The Groom :dove:. The familiar ground is shattering beneath our feet like glass. Not that this movie is worth watching, but it’s like The Multiverse of Madness. It’s a twisted mess and increasingly unnatural. It’s the world of late just before the Great Tribulation.

@Jon ‘s post is exactly the best way to handle it. I’d like to maintain the ability to step outside the circus and recalibrate with a less than severe outlook about the scary clowns inside the tent. We can all do it, and you’ve obviously done it in order to make it this far. It’s just a matter of finding something to help you to snap out of it.

The trauma that I’ve experienced in my life affects how I deal with stress. There have been times over the course of the past couple years that I’ve said to my wife…”I’m not going to make it.” Her response….(with a smile) “You have to :blush:”. She has taught me to begin praising God whenever I’m overstimulated by the world, because she knows that I am hypersensitive to the evil that’s waxing worse and worse. The sensitivity stems from the past trauma, an ongoing intense and sometimes inescapable spiritual discernment and of course, like most here on the forum, a knowledge of where we are on the timepiece at the end of the age. That in itself is reassuring yet nerve wracking.

God is in control. No…God IS in control. Don’t let that truth slip away from you.

Hope all that I’ve shared makes sense. I’m a little off today myself.

Thanks @jon. Best of the best of your posts imho.

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Soon…

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Mourning is appropriate. Balance the groaning with HOPE!
Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the eagerly awaiting creation waits for the revealing of the sons and daughters of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, [n]in hope 21 that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23 And not only that, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons and daughters, the redemption of our body. 24 For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, through perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Lee’s sermon may also help.

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It’s not just you. Satan trying to wear out the saints.

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Romans12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy
10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 2 Corinthians
5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter
4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians

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Yeah, we’re all going through the grinder right now, aren’t we? I like to think of it this way, if the enemy is crunching down on us because time is running out, its all the more reason to look up because Jesus is seconds away. Heh, I was watching this woman’s video the other day and she was saying it was time to get saved, and immediately in my spirit I heard ‘It’s time to come home’. I think we could all go for that. Each day is closer!!

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You all are so beautiful to me. So thankful I will be able to meet you all one day…,soon🙏

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tell those demons in the name of Jesus they have to leave (everytime they torment you)

God does not torment us!
and am praying the Lord gives you folks to do things with so you are NOT alone!

not trying to be bossy I’ve been there! may this leave you and you have peace!

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